I am speaking, of course, of the Build-A-Bear Group! These heinous** foes to freedom are amassing an army of cute and cuddly warriors and distributing them throughout the households and cribs of America. Think of your children!
I was recently allowed in on one of their pagan*** ceremonies wherein a small child was asked to choose a hollowed-out husk that would be their companion. The child was then asked to choose a disembodied heart to stick inside, and (horrors) told to KISS it, and at the same time appeal to some unknown being (who must be evil) with a request, a “wish” if you will.
The child then watched as one of the faithful initiates operated a machine of eldritch energy that filled their new companion with what must have been horrible, fluffy intentions and was then sewn shut with the stitches of the devil!
I was further horrified when the initiate asked the parents of this child if THEY would like to make a minion of their own, and they said YES! The draw of these cute and cuddly warriors knows no boundaries of age or moral fiber!
They have Jedi on their side. We have no hope.
What can we do to stop these abominations? Sadly, not much as long as they keep appealing to the children and the young-at-heart among our society. Do not let them induct you into their unholy ranks! Unless, of course they have that really awesome Darth Vader costume for your bear. That’s just really cool. And totally not subversive in any way. Oh, and that Japanese Keropi frog rocks too. But all the rest are evil and bent on world domination.
(Today’s international conspiracy was inspired by Brian Dunning at Skeptoid.)
* - Not really all that secret. His name’s Rob. Nice guy, lives in Essex.
** - Quite nice, actually.
*** - Not pagan, per se. Maybe.. “PAY-me-aGAIN” for all the accessories you want afterward.
0 comments:
Post a Comment